I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
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banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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