Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
