WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
