her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
