whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
