They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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