my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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