last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
