Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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