She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
