I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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