Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
