if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
