her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
