i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
