Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I lost the right to judge tonight
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
