i was born a porn star she said
no you cant smoke seaweed
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
