did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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