spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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