He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
