I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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