Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
