I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.