No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
