I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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