Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
