you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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