Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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