Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
