I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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