dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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