I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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