i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
