to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
