can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
