the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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