Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
