I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
