I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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