i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
In America we eat man semen.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
