Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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