capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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