Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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