I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
