She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
