The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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