I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
