Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
