Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
