she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
