When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
