Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Alive.
So much puke
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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