Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize