when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
