I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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