Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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