my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
