I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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